fashion & lifestyle blog

2013/04/12

Hard decisions

I will take a short break from blogging about Kyoto as I feel like I need to let you guys know some things. Maybe some of you also follow my twitter, my shopping service blog or even have me on facebook so you might already know a bit about what I am going to write.

Well, to start quickly, I have a really bad time here in Tokyo since about 3 nearly 4 weeks now. Some of you may think now "she misses her boyfriend that's why" or "sh'es just homesick" well I thought so too at first but as this keeps getting worse, I finally realized it isn't like that.
Apperantly everything "started" a bit at the time where my friend Nathalie was here and Carole was about to come visit me. It wasn't really bad yet so both of them didn't really notice it. It started with me being really tired all day, being kinda grumpy and that I didn't really want to go to school. Then, when Carole was here, I had quite a lot of bad luck moments. I fell down, I had a really bad exam partner, I was sick, etc etc. These things aren't bad if you look at them each other but if you are in a bda mood already and everything happens like at once or so, you feel horrible and that's how I felt. I tried to get myself together, go to school and study for the exams. It was really hard.

When my boyfriend finally arrived it was like all those bad feelings felt down off me or idk came out to the surface. During the week my boyfriend was here I was sick, had panic attacks, cried a lot and felt like sleeping all the time. But again I tried to get myself together for my boyfriend's sake to show him Tokyo. I really tried to but we ended up to be home a lot and if we were out I got grumpy at one point again. *sigh* I seriously hated myself during that week. My boyfriend encouraged me and he helped me to feel at least a bit better and keep my head up regarding school. At that time I didn't had my result yet and I was seriously panicking that if I didn't make it through level 1 I'd rather go home to Luxembourg then redo that level. Why? Well because level 1 was seriously boring for me.
My boyfriend left, which of course made me feel awfull and lonely, but I went to Kyoto alone. Yes all by myself because my friend who should have gone with me couldn't afford it anymore. Now I think it was good that I was alone because I could think about a lot of things. The first day in Kyoto was the worst day I had there. I am not going to describe it but I am just going to leave it like that. I talked with my mom a lot and I really was at the point to say that I am going to stop school here and go back to Luxembourg because I couldn't see any good thing in staying. Of course my parents both just want the best for me and they said that if this is what I want to do, I should do it. They also said, my boyfriend too, that they are quite sure that if I stop and go back at some point I will regret my decision.

But as the week passed, I could think about it. As for this, Kyoto helped me a lot. I got back to Tokyo, felt good to be "home" again and school started the day after already. It has been exactly a week now, with lots of days where I felt horrible again, just being in bed nearly all day and sleeping. Yes I didn't go to school for two days because of that. Yesterday night I talked with my boyfriend and I realized something which is the big problem at the moment: I am bored to death and I am lonely. Well let me explain this. I am bored because the class goes really slowly, we do stuff I don't know yet but we are stuck way too long on the same subject. I get home and I do my homework and that's it. I don't do much more for school right now. I feel lonely because a lot of my friends who live here, have to work during the week and only have time sometimes. So I am often by myself on tour here or alone at home, sitting in front of my laptop and doing nearly nothing. I am not happy with my life right now. I mean I really love Tokyo and the people here but it is just not as I hoped it to be. I hoped to find a job, but I still couldn't find any because my Japanese skills aren't good enough yet and teaching another language, well every foreigner does that here.

Yesterday I was thinking about to quit again but I still thought I am so going to regret it afterwards. Then, an idea which I already had once, came to my mind and without telling anyone I checked if it is even possible. Later I told my mom and my boyfriend about it, they weren't happy about it and kinda worried that I am not able to go through that but they accepted my decision because they said again, if that's what I feel like I have to do, I should do it. So yes, I booked a flight to Luxembourg and back to Tokyo yesterday. I will go home for 2 weeks, for Golden Week and one week after.

I think that this will help me. To think about staying here, in this situation, until the end of June makes me crazy. But now where I booked the flight I feel motivated again and can't wait to be home again. Seriously I cried because I was so happy about seeing my friends, myfamily, my pets and most important my boyfriend again. It is so hard to be that far away from your loved ones, especially if you have a really good and close relation to them.

Well I wrote more then I wanted to. Sorry guys but I thought I needed to write this here. Enough rant now. My next blogpost will be about my last days in Kyoto. Please apologize for this entry and hope you still enjoy my blog after this.

See you soon.

15 comments:

  1. Aw... I hope you get to clear your head and think about what you really want to do! I hope you make up your mind easy and it all works out! Good luck!

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  2. Thank you so much for your understanding! I hope so too.

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  3. Ahw, bien sûr qu'on adore encore ton blog après cet article. C'est parce qu'on t'adore ! J'espère que ce break te fera beaucoup de bien (Mais en fait, j'suis certaine que ce sera le cas !) et qu'il te permettra de retrouver de l'énergie pour le reste de ton séjour à Tokyo. Si j'pouvais, j'te rendrais même visite ♥ Mais ça risque d'être difficile ! Peut-être qu'un jour tu me feras visiter cette ville à une autre occasion, qui sait !

    J'ai vu que tu avais tes tickets pour aller voir The GazettE à Paris ! T'as d'la chance ! J'hésite beaucoup à y aller aussi mais je ne pense pas que mes finances me le permettront alors... Profite pour moi ! J'te fais des gros bisous ♥

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  4. <3 big hug and lots of love

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  5. Merci beaucoup Maud <3 ça m'aide beaucoup de savoir que même si j'écris qqch comme cela mes readers vont encore lire mon blog et qu'ils m'encouragent comme toi maintenant.

    Oui j'en y vais. Mes finances ne sont pas si bon no plus mais car c'est the GazettE j'ai du prendre des tickets. Si je n'aillerais pas je me détestais. J'espère que tu va avoir la chance de les voir aussi une fois! <3

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  6. i know that feeling, i had the same when i moved to London, and still feels like that from time to time, good luck! i hope that travel home will help you feel better once you are back to tokyo ^^

    regards from http://ikari-no-sekai.blogspot.co.uk/

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  7. Good to know that I am not the only one who has this feeling ._. Thank you! I think it will help for sure.

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  8. You are so brave and so in tune with yourself! Honestly do what you need to do. The most important thing in our lives is our mental and emotional well being! If you cannot enjoy being in Japan which you love so much, then you def need to just take a break! I totally understand where you're coming from because I felt the same way for a while when I was living in Japan. I got super depressed and just wanted to go back home but I stayed and really so glad that I did stay! Maybe after you get back from your home then you will feel different but I wish you the best in whatever you choose!

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  9. Thank you very much! All these comments really make me happy because you all keep encouraging me. I can't believe that I have so many nice readers who care ;^;
    I will try to enjoy the 2 weeks in Luxembourg completely to get the energy for the last 7 weeks in Tokyo. I want to finish it as I planned to, I don't want to regret anything later.

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  10. Thanks for letting us know. I really hope you're going to make a decision that will make you happy...! Keep your head up <3

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  11. Thank you for letting us know and I'm so happy for you, that you made the right decision. It will be good for you, I think. I can understand you a little and keep your head up high, cutie!

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  12. Awh no ;_; I hope everything will turn out okay for you! <3

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